


The Curse of the Vine Master

by WolfandOwl



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Parody, Vines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-29 18:21:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13932666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfandOwl/pseuds/WolfandOwl
Summary: The BAU team is hypnotized by the Vine Master.Reid burst out laughing and she playfully shoved him, but he stumbled over his own feet. “Mother trucker, dude! That hurt like a butt cheek on a stick!” He chuckled.“Watch your profanity,” Rossi said in a high falsetto. Then his eyes widened, and he looked extremely perplexed.





	The Curse of the Vine Master

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Criminal Minds!
> 
> This is a parody, so the team is a little out of character.

Aaron Hotchner looked up from his desk when someone knocked on his door. “Come in!”

JJ walked in with a case file in her hands. “Hotch, we have a case”.

Hotch nodded and walked out to the bull pen. “Round table in ten. We’ve got a case”. He sat down at the table and waited for everyone to arrive. When they did, Garcia pulled up the case on the projector. Three pictures of dead bodies popped up, all with their throats slashed.

“We got a call from the Miami police department. The first victim, Edgar Smith, was found by a man walking his dog by a stream. The second victim, Shelby Long, didn’t pop up until two days later. The most recent, Don Stuart, was found yesterday behind a flea market,” JJ explained. 

“The Unsub is escalating. There will be another body soon if we don’t hurry,” Hotch announced. “Wheels up in twenty”.

When the team arrived in Miami, the sheriff showed them the bodies and where they were found. Reid and Morgan were sent to the second victim’s house, because the other two were tourists. 

With the day coming to an end, the team piled into the SUV and headed to their hotel. “What the hell?” Morgan suddenly yelled. A man was standing in the middle of the street in the pitch-black darkness. Hotch slammed on the breaks, and stared at the man, who was wearing a cape and a white mask. He raised his hand and produced what looked to be a pocket watch from a fold in his cape. 

Hotch exited the car cautiously, with his hand on his gun. “Sir, I’m with the…” He trailed off as the man began to swing the watch.

“I am the Vine Master, and you shall do as I say. From now on, all of you will randomly speak in Vines until I snap my fingers. If you try to break the curse, I will kill you,” the man hissed, his voice muffled by the mask. He then put the watch back in his pocket and fled into the night.

Hotch shook his head as he emerged from his daze. “Where the hell did he go?” Everyone else seemed just as confused, and they continued on their way to the hotel.

The next morning, they arrived back at the police station, still confused as to what had happened the night before. “It’s quite possible that he hypnotized us,” Reid explained. “Hypnosis is hard to master, but it’s entirely possible”. 

Before anyone could respond, Prentiss jumped to her feet. “Get to Del Taco! They got a new thing called freshavocado! Freshavocado!” 

The team stared at her in shock. 

“What the...?” She murmured, confused.

“Agents!” The sheriff announced as he entered the room. “Another body was found”.

Hotch nodded and they made their way to the crime scene. When they arrived, Hotch stepped out of the car, before suddenly stopping dead in his tracks. “We all gonna die. You either kill yourself or get killed. Whatcha gonna do?” He began a strange dance. “Whatcha gonna do?” He then stopped and turned to the team in horror.

“What the fuck?!” Morgan yelled. 

Geese began to fly over and honked occasionally. 

“Look at all those chickens!” JJ exclaimed, pointing at them. 

Reid burst out laughing and she playfully shoved him, but he stumbled over his own feet. “Mother trucker, dude! That hurt like a butt cheek on a stick!” He chuckled.

“Watch your profanity,” Rossi said in a high falsetto. Then his eyes widened, and he looked extremely perplexed. 

Morgan rubbed his hand over his face. “We need to remember what happened last night”. He turned to look at Hotch, who had pulled out his phone and was typing something. 

“Hey, wanna see a picture of my cock?” Hotch asked Reid.

“Hell no!” Reid exclaimed. 

“Here’s a picture of my cock,” Hotch said as he showed Reid his phone.

“That’s a chicken, motherfucker,” Reid spat, then put his head in his hands, trying to control himself from spitting out more Vines.

Hotch looked extremely embarrassed and put his phone away.

When they got back to the station, they gathered around the computer and called Garcia. “Hello, lovelies!” She cooed as they appeared. “I will put my skills to use for you!”

“Bitch, I hope to fuck you do! You’ll be a dead son of a bitch I tell you that!” Morgan yelled.

Garcia was silent for a moment before she cackled with glee. “What’s wrong with him?” 

“Garcia, I think we’ve been hypnotized to randomly blurt out Vines,” Reid explained. 

Garcia looked confused but nodded in understanding. “Can you look up any prominent Viners in the Miami area?”

“That might be difficult, as most Viners don’t use location, but I’ll see what I can do,” she said before signing off.

“I have crippling depression,” Rossi stated with a blank face.

“Well, when life gives you lemons,” Prentiss said, patting him on the back.

Hotch sighed and pulled Reid aside into an empty room. “Reid, how is this possible?”

“Whoever did this has mastered the art of hypnotism to the extreme. Most hypnotists take minutes or even hours to put someone into a trance. This person only needed seconds”. 

Morgan popped his head in. “Two bros chillin’ in a hot tub; five feet apart ‘cause they’re not gay”.

CM

The next morning, Garcia called. “Okay, so I found a man by the name of Clint Downy who is a popular Viner. He lives in Miami about ten minutes from the police station. I’m sending you his address now”.

“Thanks, Garcia,” Prentiss said as they grabbed everything and prepared to go to the address. When they arrived, Prentiss stuck her hand out, preventing Hotch from leaving the SUV. “Hotch, is that a weed?!”

He looked down at the pen in his hand. “No, this is a…”

“I’m calling the police!”

Hotch stared at her before brushing her hand away and climbing out. He approached the door first and rang the doorbell. A man in his late twenties opened the door.

“Can I help you?”

“Hello, Clint. We’re with the FBI, and we’ve come to ask you some questions,” Hotch calmly stated.

Clint stepped back and let them enter the house. “What’s this all about?”

“There have been some murders in the area, and we believe they may be somehow related to Vines,” Reid stated, observing Clint.

Clint visibly paled, reaching for his pocket. 

Hotch pulled out his gun and pointed it at him. “Put your hands in the air and away from your pockets”.

Clint sighed and did as he was told. “Alright, I did it. I hypnotized you and killed those people”.

The team looked shocked that he confessed. He took in their expressions and looked down. “After Vine go shut down, I couldn’t just let it die. I made those people keep it alive, and if they tried to stop it, I got rid of them”.

“Clint Downy, you are under arrest for the murders of Edgar Smith, Shelby Long, and Don Stuart,” Hotch said as he pulled out his handcuffs. Clint turned around and let Hotch cuff him. After he was cuffed, he snapped his fingers and the team froze for a few seconds. 

Hotch blinked back to reality first and led Clint outside.

CM

On the jet back to Quantico, the team laughed about the experience.

“What a weird way to keep Vine alive,” Morgan said, munching on a cracker.

“Totally,” JJ agreed.

She looked up as Hotch moved to sit next to Reid. 

“Hey Hotch, are you gonna show Reid a picture of your cock?” Morgan laughed.

Reid blushed and Hotch sent Morgan his trademark glare, which shut him up.


End file.
